Mar 10, 2025
i had dinner with a friend tonight & we landed on this: the idea that you’ll meet someone on a dating app who genuinely shares your value structures is now basically very very very unlikely, almost lottery odds. why?
well real alignment—the kind that makes relationships durable happens in shared environments where people do things together, not in a context explicitly designed for transactional selection. dating apps optimize for attention & short-term validation. the mechanisms are obvious: swipe-driven dopamine loops, gamified chat mechanics, & profile curation that rewards optics over substance. these aren’t systems for finding deep compatibility; they’re engineered to maximize engagement.
this wasn’t always as true. early online dating had a broader mix of intent. but as apps iterated toward revenue, they leaned into dynamics that prioritize volume over depth. now, they function more like social casinos—high-frequency, high-variance, designed to keep you playing rather than finding alignment. you’re not selecting for a partner, you’re engaging with an algorithm that’s selecting for you—your attention, your engagement, your willingness to stay in the loop.
this is why dating apps increasingly feel like content platforms more than connection platforms. people curate profiles like personal brands, optimizing for engagement rather than authenticity. the feedback loops—likes, matches, messages—encourage performance over genuine interaction. & since everyone is aware of this dynamic, you get a kind of collective illusion: both sides presenting an idealized version of themselves while privately wondering why interactions feel hollow. it’s no different from social media. the distinction between dating apps & traditional social media has blurred to the point of irrelevance—both are designed to maximize engagement, not meaningful selection. people on dating apps are performing, just like they do on instagram or tiktok, optimizing for reach rather than resonance. it’s not about finding one good connection, it’s about maximizing superficial appeal across many.
if dating apps are just social media with a different skin, then they aren’t connection engines anymore—they’re entertainment platforms. the primary function has shifted. they now serve as an endless stream of interactions, dopamine hits, and ephemeral validation cycles, where even the eventual meet-ups can feel like pure entertainment rather than serious steps toward connection. there are no consequences. no social penalties for ghosting, flaking, or treating people as disposable. before, when dating was primarily offline, there were built-in social costs—your reputation mattered. now? zero friction. zero accountability. the cost structures have shifted radically.
this explains why the experience of using dating apps has degraded. before, the equation was high upside, low downside: easy access to potential matches with minimal cost. now, the upside has shrunk while the downside has grown. ghosting, flaking, negative experiences, emotional burnout—it’s all just part of the game now. the longer you stay in, the worse it gets. success rates have definitively dropped, while engagement metrics for the platforms have gone up. which tells you everything you need to know about who’s really winning here.
this is why the casino analogy is so apt. dating apps, like any good casino, need just enough success stories to keep people playing. a few big wins, a handful of happy couples, and the illusion of possibility stays alive. but structurally, the house always wins. the longer you play, the more the odds tilt against you.
if you’re looking for something real, the best move is to stop optimizing for selection & start optimizing for shared experience. put yourself in situations where your values get surfaced naturally—where actions matter more than words. the best relationships are emergent, not engineered. & if you’re relying on an app built for maximum engagement rather than maximum alignment, don’t be surprised when all you find is noise.